If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, does that mean Housedads are from Pluto?

                In 1992, John Gray wrote the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”  Since its debut, it has sold over 7 million copies and is known to be the best-selling hardcover nonfiction book ever.  In this book, John Gray discusses the inherent differences between men and women.  Why has this book been so popular for so long?  Because humans have a desire for self-discovery.  Both men and women want to know why we do what we do, so a book that helps us understand our gender-based tendencies is basically a guide to understanding our subconscious actions and feelings. 

                Since that time many studies have been conducted on this topic.  It has been widely accepted and agreed upon that one big difference between men and women is that women tend to gain self-esteem and meaning through relationships, and men tend to get it from accomplishment and achievement.  So, how is this relevant to our discussion of the role of housedad-dom? 

Well, borrowing the title of Gray’s book, we can say that Mars is pretty well-defined in our culture as what is “manly,” and Venus is the place the women occupy in our society.  So where do we put housedads?  On Pluto.

Poor Pluto.  Can someone please decide if it is a planet or not?  I mean, really is it that hard?  Even if it isn’t big enough or doesn’t pull enough gravity or whatever the rationale is, can’t we just throw it a bone?  Plus, what about all of us who learned the planets through the acronym MVEMJSUNP?  Otherwise known as “My Very Educated Mother Just Sold Us Nine Pizzas”.  I mean, if we take away Pluto, how can we possibly know what my educated mother sold us, and how do I know it was worth buying nine of them?  With pizza, I know what it is, and trust me. . .it’s worth it. 

Housedads in America are kind of like Pluto.  Do we really know what they are?  Why can’t we define them?  I find the answer to these questions is rooted in the inherent ways that men and women find self-worth and achievement.  Because women are naturally drawn to relationships, this lends itself organically to the nurturing that infants and toddlers desperately need in their daily schedules.  But does this mean that because women have this natural nurturing inside them, they should be limited to child-rearing?  Also, does this mean that because men find worthiness in accomplishment, they can’t be successful at being housedads?

Hecks no!  In any job or task, the more you understand about it, the more prepared you are to face it.  So for us housedads, we need to get some education about our kids and ourselves.  Because I understand that my child needs for me to be nurturing and relational, I need to take steps in my day to be certain he receives such affection.  This doesn’t make me less manly because I’m doing something that my wife is naturally better at than I am.  Instead, it makes me a good father for providing the things that my baby needs.  As for myself, I need to feel like I accomplished something at the end of the day to feel good about myself.  I know this upfront, everyday.  So, my challenge for myself is plan our day in such a way that I gain self-esteem through my accomplishments.  More on this next week.

"So you're Mom now?"

Ahh, the words that every young boy eagerly yearns to hear someday…right along with “Hey sissy!,”  “You’re such a feminine guy,” and “Dude, you look so skinny in those jeans.”  I mean, what guy wouldn’t want to have the title "Mom"—the utmost defining title of womanhood—attached to him? 

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a bunch of titles associated with me in my life, some great and some not so flattering.  I’ve been a son to my parents, a brother to my siblings, a nerd and a jock to my classmates (holding those concurrently took a good deal of balance between Star Trek and being naturally physically gifted), a student to my teachers, “Little Balls” to my fellow Pi Kappa brothers (my older brother was “Hot Balls” in Pi Kappa and I was his “little” brother…you can do the math on that one).  I also have accomplished quite a bit in my own work history.  I’ve been an intern and turned that title into Children’s Minister and that one into Youth Minister, all the while being a missionary in my own country. 

All of these titles I accepted to various degrees and lived up to their meanings and to everything that came along with them. But now, sitting across the table from a friend my wife and I were catching up with, I had been assigned the most off-base and really unmanly title I’d ever been given.  And remember, I had been called “Little Balls” for three years.

Of course, our friend didn’t mean it to be an insult or derogatory observation.  Instead, he was simply trying to describe my function in my family and to society right now.  But the truth is that the implications of that title were extremely unfair, to not only me, but also to Jennifer, my wife.  See, she is Mom and I am Dad!  The only thing that makes us different from our culture’s norm is that Jennifer is the provider and breadwinner in our family, and I stay at home and take care of our three cats, two dogs, and most importantly, our infant son Josiah. 

If you are reading this you, may be one of the few but growing number of men who are finding themselves in a similar role.  You may be the wife of such a man.  Maybe you are a single father who has to fill the roles of both mom and dad.  Or maybe you simply are someone who finds this topic interesting enough to read on.  In any case, let me invite you to enjoy some of the observations I’ve made in my ongoing story to retain my sanity as the housedad.